


Back to the Start

by howardently



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-29
Updated: 2014-10-29
Packaged: 2018-02-23 03:58:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2533325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howardently/pseuds/howardently
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rae and Finn have been married for a while, and things aren't exactly what he expected them to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Back to the Start

Finn watched Rae from across the room as she folded laundry. She yawned, rolled her neck and let out a soft sigh. She looked tired. She was tired, he knew. Reggie had a virus of some kind and had been up puking the last couple of nights. Which meant she’d been up comforting him, and cleaning up the vomit, and washing laundry. He watched her scowl at a small blue sock, pushing her finger through a hole in the toe.

Spongebob was playing slightly too loudly from the television, but he’d long since learned to tune it out. When he watched it now, it was unfocused, just a play of colors and shapes crossing the screen. That’s if he actually even made it ten minutes before he dozed off. Reggie was driving one of his trucks forlornly on the rug in front of the sofa, mellower than usual due to his illness. Dani was in her room, he could hear the music if he strained just a bit. It was just a regular evening- homework, dinner, telly, chores. But for the first time in a long time, Finn was really looking at his wife.

She looked tired, but more than that, she looked worn. Run down, lackluster, and older than her years. She was barely in her thirties, but she had an aura of defeat around her that aged her prematurely. It wasn’t really her fault, he knew. She worked hard, doing half shifts down at the pharmacy so she’d be home for the kids after school. And, she’d had terrible post-partum depression after Reggie was born, and she’d never fully seemed to recover. He always got the impression that she blamed him for that. She hadn’t wanted a second baby. Her first pregnancy had been miserable, and she’d been perfectly happy with Danielle, but Finn hadn’t wanted their kid to grow up without a sibling like they both had. So he’d cajoled and pleaded and generally worn her down over a couple of years. The pregnancy with Reggie had been easier than the first, but the depression after his birth- that had almost claimed her life. She’d been utterly incapable of doing anything for a solid month, and he’d had to check her into a program at the hospital before she’d actually see someone.

She was better now. Reggie was nearly six, and that grim period of their lives was nothing but shadows between them now. Still, when she’d come back out, they’d both changed. He was harder, less apt to rely on her, more independent than he’d been before. He’d learned the danger of giving too much of yourself to someone, and he’d been more cautious since then. He wouldn’t let it take them by surprise like it had with his mum. And Rae, well Rae had come out somehow… less. She was less vivacious, less buoyant, less determined to take on the world. She’d become Rae-lite. Rae reduced.

He still loved her, of course. She was his wife, the mother of his kids. Of course he still loved her. He’d always love her. But somewhere along the line he’d stopped the practice of loving her. He used to bring her home new records every couple of weeks. Other girls got flowers, but not Rae. For Rae it was music. When they’d first moved in together, he’d come home every day to music blaring on the stereo and Rae singing along as she cooked dinner in her underwear, and he’d thought that she was the best decision he could ever possibly make. He’d loved her so much then that he’d barely been able to hold it inside himself. They’d made love like fiends, everywhere, constantly, because he just hadn’t been able to contain the sheer volume of his love for her within his own body.

She only listened to music when she was happy now. It’d been ages since the last time he’d even heard her hum.

Looking at her now, he’s surprised by the thought that if he could still pull girls the way he used to, he’d cheat on her. He feels guilty at this admission, even if he only says it in his own brain. He can’t pull girls anymore, though. He’s still decent looking, maybe a little doughy around the middle, hair a bit thinner than it used to be. But he just doesn’t have a pool of available women around him anymore to pick from, where would he even find someone? He goes directly to the office in the morning, eats yesterday’s leftovers for lunch, and goes straight home again for dinner at five. Once in a blue moon he meets up with Chop for a pint at the pub, but it always ends early as they both have kids at home to attend to, and a hangover with children is worse than a lifetime of sobriety. He plays footy on Saturday afternoons, but usually Rae’s there with the kids cheering him on. Well, not really cheering him on. More like sitting around in a show of support.

And say he did find someone, where would he come up with the time? He’s tired all the time as it is, and he’s hardly got any extracurricular plans. He helps with Dani’s math in the evenings, as Rae’s always been terrible with numbers, and he gives Reggie his bath. He’d have to claim longer hours at work, he supposes, but that might get tricky as Rae is friendly with Madge and he’d get found out before too long. And she’d ask about the extra money he’d be supposed to be bringing in, and what would he say about that? He could maybe join a bowling league or something, that might solve both issues. He could claim stress and join a bowling league and meet a luscious little bowler girl and they could sneak off for quickies in the bathroom at the alley or out to a cheap motel while they’re supposed to be at meetings. He’d have to take out another credit card, a secret one, but that wouldn’t be a problem, really.

It hits Finn then that he is sitting in his longue, with his son on the floor in front of him, staring at his wife and planning a way to cheat on her. He’s disgusted with himself, repulsed by the inanity of his life and his own shitty character. He would cheat on his wife, he’s suddenly sure, if only the opportunity presented itself. He’s despicable, and a wave of self-loathing and frustration hits him. He gets up from the couch and goes out to the back patio for a smoke. Rae doesn’t look up at him as he passes.

He’s mostly given up smoking, and he thinks it’s just another way that his life has defeated him. Smoking was one of his favorite things in the world, and now he has to sneak out at night to do it as a dirty secret. All his favorite things are worse now. Music is just shit nowadays, smoking is a bad example to your kids, footy is slow and boring since he plays with middle aged men, and Rae doesn’t even look at him when he leaves the room.

He can’t remember the last time they had sex. Reggie’s birthday, maybe? He knows they did it then, but that was in August and it’s now October. It can’t have been that long, can it? He remembers that the last time they did it, she didn’t even finish, and when it was over, she got up afterwards and cleaned the kitchen. He’d felt so worn out and so disappointed in himself, in her, in the world that he’d lied in bed pretending to sleep for a long time afterwards, just wishing himself anywhere else. When was the last time he even kissed her? Really kissed her? They used to make out for hours, only getting up to switch the record when the static came on. Surely he kissed her this morning when he left for work. Or was it only on the cheek?

He sat down heavily on the back step, shivering and wishing he’d had the sense to bring a jacket. It had already snowed half a dozen times this year, but he can’t get it into his head that he needs a jacket just to take the trash out or sneak a guilty smoke. The back door opened, and he hurried to stub out his cigarette.

“Daddy?” A dainty voice asked, and Finn turned to smile crookedly at his daughter. She looked just like Rae, with huge luminous eyes and a curtain of dark hair and a perfect button nose. But Dani was all Finn in personality, reserved and prone to observation and silent judgment.

“What’s up, bug? You’d better put your boots on to come out here, it’s pretty cold.” Dani turned inside the door and stomped her feet into her wellies, then came to sit on the stoop beside him. Finn waited to see what she’d say, he knew it was best to let things come out in their own good time with her.

“Are you smoking again?” She asked, reproof clear in her voice. He sighed and wrinkled his nose at her. “You know you shouldn’t Dad. What’s wrong?”

“What makes you think something’s wrong, bug?” “You only ever smoke when you’re upset. Are you and mum fighting again?” Dani asked, her wide eyes skewering him. She was like him in lots of ways, but she had Rae’s ability to see straight to the bottom of him. He always forgot that she knew more than she said, always took it for granted that she was just a kid. But she saw everything, and she understood more than he did, and Finn felt a slither of dread creep up his spine.

“No, sweetie, I’m fine. Just… just a long day. You know.” He stared out at into the dark as he spoke, afraid she’d read the lie on his face if he looked at her. They sat silently together for a long time, both lost in thought in the silence of the backyard. It wasn’t until he was getting ready to suggest going back inside that she spoke again.

“Are you happy, Daddy? In your life, I mean?” She asked gently, as if she knew what the answer must be. She kept her eyes fixed on his face, and he knew that this was a moment in which he had to be utterly honest with his daughter. He could feel his throat swelling, his own traitorous body trying to choke off his air supply. He blinked, wanting to look down, but unable to break away from the penetrating stare of his little girl, so like her mum, and so like him.

“I…” He swallowed. “I don’t really know, bug. Sometimes, I guess. When I’m talking to you, or when we go down to the shops together me and you. Or when Reg comes to cuddle up with me in the lounge and we all watch a movie together. Then I’m happy.”

“But not with Mum?” Dani asked, cutting to the heart of the issue before Finn even had time to catch up. He had a moment of panic, of incredulity, overwhelmed by the sheer surreality of being quizzed on the strength of your marriage by your ten year old daughter.

“I…” he began, knowing he had to say something, but unable to come up with exactly what.

“Do you love Mum, Dad?” She asked over his stuttering. She was looking at him with a painful vulnerability, and Finn felt terrified at the thought that she really might not know.

“Of course I love your Mum, bug. What’s bringing this on?”

“Do you think Mum is pretty?” Dani’s eyes were pinched, her forehead creased as she looked away back into the darkness, and Finn realized that whatever this conversation was, this was the question she most wanted the answer to.

“I think Mum is beautiful. What’s going on, Dani?”

“It’s just… I look like Mum, you know?” She raised tear-filled eyes to his, and Finn put his arm around her shoulders to draw her closer. “And this boy at school… He said that she’s… that I’m…”

Finn felt his heart break as he held his sweet, vulnerable daughter and felt her tears soak through his flannel.

“Well, he was my boyfriend, Dad. And I thought he really liked me, but then he just… he said I was ugly and fat and that I’d grow up to be disgusting like my Mum and that no one would ever really like me.” Dani broke, and sobbed heavily into his chest. She pressed her face into him and sniffled; he placed his palm over the back of her skull, rubbing her hair and pulling her deeper into his arms.

Finn was horrified at the cruelness of some idiot boy who hurt his sweet, lovely girl. He was horrified that his daughter had had a boyfriend at all, let alone one who could injure her in such a way. He was horrified that the terrors and pressures and insecurities of dating were starting for Dani at nine. He was horrified that the world was cruel enough to tell his vibrant, beautiful daughter that she wasn’t good enough to love because of the way that she looked. He was just horrified at it all.

And he was especially horrified because he remembered another raven haired girl sobbing into his chest just like this, broken down and defeated because the world told her she wasn’t good enough.

This had happened to his wife, and now it was happening to his precious gorgeous little girl. And he was letting it.

“Dani. Sweetheart. You are not fat or ugly. You are beautiful, you are thoughtful and kind and funny and bright and you are very very loved. And you are beautiful, Dani. Do you hear me? You are beautiful. Your mum is beautiful, and you are just as pretty as she is. It doesn’t matter what some horrible boy says, bug, and I want his name, by the way. Some little shithead is getting his ass beat down by your dear old dad.”

Finn could hear her muffled laughter against his chest, and he held her tighter for a second before pulling back. He stroked the tear tracks off of her cheeks and looked directly into her wide sad eyes.

“Listen, bug. There are a lot of crummy people in this world, and they’re gonna tell you a lot of crummy things. But, this is important, Danielle- you are not what other people tell you you are. You are beautiful and right brilliant at math, and you are always willing to stick up for your friends, and you’re strong and capable and you take such good care of your brother, and you’ve got great taste in music. You are a wonderful person, Dani, and anyone who knows you loves you completely, right?”

Dani nodded and gave him a watery smile. The smile was so reminiscent of Rae, so achingly familiar that he felt his chest tighten and he had to clear his throat.

“Alright then. I don’t want anymore of that kind of nonsense, you hear?” He teased, shaking her shoulders gently until she rolled her eyes. “But I do want this boy’s name. I wasn’t kidding about curling him up.”

“Daaaad!” She moaned, and a real smile lit up her face again. Finn wanted to shout in relief. This time he was able to fix it, this time being her Dad was enough. He was going to have to do more, be more, so that she’d know what a good man was like. What a good relationship was like. What it meant to be loved the way he wanted her to be loved someday, the way he’d loved Rae once upon a time.

Finn put his arm back around her shoulder and they looked out into the night together for a while. The damp patches on his shirt started to get icy, and he stood up to head inside. When Dani stood, he pulled her into a tight hug and bent to kiss the top of her head.

“I love you, bug, ya hear?” He asked gruffly.

“I love you too, Daddy.” She squeezed him tightly for a minute, then smiled up at him before extricating herself and opening the door. Finn stood there on the patio, shivering in the cold and just staring at the door.

His head was full of shuffling thoughts and images, and slowly his brain began to assemble them into a pattern. Dani crying in his arms; Rae crying in his arms. Dani getting told she was ugly; Rae being called Jabba outside the chippy. The rage in his veins, in his fists, that day; the rage that burned in him now. His beautiful daughter laughing and singing along to the stereo; his beautiful wife humming over the stove as she moved sinuously in her underwear. Rae lifting wondrous eyes to him as she held their newborn daughter; Dani’s eyes, too big for her face, grinning as she chased bubbles across the yard. Dani looking so sad and crushed and defeated at the mistreatment of a boy; Rae’s eyes sliding off of his as soon as they met over the dinner table.

And then, the crusher- him casually pondering ways to be unfaithful, to decimate his wife and his family.

Finn thought about what would’ve happened tonight if he hadn’t been there. If he’d been off bowling, or having illicit sex, or living in his own apartment somewhere else, who would Dani have talked to? Who would have told her she was beautiful and worthwhile? She would have just internalized all that garbage the world poured into her, she would have made it part of who she was. She probably would have ended up like Rae in college, no Dad to tell her she was wonderful, full of self-loathing and insecurity and sickness.

And maybe he wasn’t enough to keep all of that at bay, keep his daughter safe from all that, but he could certainly make sure he was around to try. And he could certainly love her mother enough to make sure that Dani knew what it really meant to be loved.

He could show his daughter, and his wife, what it meant to have the love of a Nelson. He could show them both what a healthy relationship meant. He could show them, teach them, make them know in their bones, that they were special and beautiful and worthy of love.

He could do that for both of them. And for himself.

He could save his marriage for all of their sakes.

He stood there on the back porch, leaned up against the railing for an indeterminate length of time, puzzling through it all, resolving to fix what he had let get broken. Finally the door opened and Rae peeked her head out.

“What’re you doing out here?” She asked, shutting the door, shivering and drawing her robe around herself tighter. “It’s freezing.”

Finn stepped closer and rubbed his hands briskly over her arms to warm her up, then wrapped her in an embrace. She smiled at him softly, confused but pleased at his affectionate touch.

“Nothing. I was talking to Dani.” He swayed her a little, shuffled his feet.

“Everything all right?”

“Erm. Not just yet, but it will be.” She tilted her head at him, gave him a crooked smile and started to step out of his arms.

“Wait, Rae.” It came out a bit desperate, and she looked back at him in concern. He reached to run his fingers across her cheek from her hairline to her jaw, and watched as her mouth parted. “Just, just… I love ya, ya know?”

He looked into her eyes, really looked at her, for the first time in a long time. He didn’t know what he was looking for, or what he might find, but he knew there was something there to find.

“I know. What’s gotten into you, numpty?” She laughed, but her eyes seemed to sparkle a little and her cheeks were pinker from the cold and maybe from a blush. He leaned forward to rub his nose against hers, and she inhaled sharply at the shock of his cold skin.

“Finn, you’re gonna freeze to death out here. Your nose is like an icicle!”

“Just wait, Rae. Just wait one minute. “ He pleaded, needing her to see, to feel what he was feeling. Just needing her. She tilted her head again and raised a warm hand to his cold cheek. He closed his eyes at her touch, his heart thumping painfully within him.

“Finnley.” She said, softly, and he thought maybe she understood a little. He raised his eyes to hers; they were wide and luminous in the pale light filtering through the window, almost ghostly in their vibrancy. He leaned in to press his lips softly against hers, slowly, careful to savor every movement and sensation. She sighed into the kiss, her body relaxed into him, and somewhere within him he recognized that she had needed this.

He kept his forehead pressed against hers when they broke apart, something they hadn’t done since they were kids. He nuzzled her nose, and she laughed almost silently.

“Let’s go inside.” she said, offering him a hand and a raised eyebrow. He smiled and slid his fingers through hers.

 

 

 

 

When he woke the next morning, it was snowing, but he was warm and comfortable snuggled up next to Rae in a tangle of limbs. They’d made love last night, and after Rae had come undone beneath him with tears in her eyes, he’d kissed the splotchy red patches on her chest and tucked her into his arms, his chest tight against her back. She’d fallen asleep almost immediately because of her lack of sleep of late, but he’d lain there for a while smelling her hair and watching the rise and fall of her back as she breathed. They so rarely slept twined together anymore.

Finn knew it was early, the house was silent and still. It was lighter than he expected outside, the clouds somehow trapping what little light there was and turning the new morning into a slate grey. He listened to the snow falling, the particular quiet that only came when it snowed and everyone was asleep. He hadn’t slept much, but he felt bright and alert anyway. He nuzzled his nose in Rae’s hair, pulling her tighter until she stirred in her sleep. She was so lovely like this, hair everywhere, rumpled and face creased from the pillow. He used to watch her sleep all the time just to see the little movements her face made while she dreamt, the soft smiles and half frowns. But she got up before him now, so he hadn’t seen her like this in a long time.

He kissed her hair and gently extricated himself from the bed. She murmured and moved restlessly, but didn’t wake. Finn crept through the house, silent as a thief, conscious that these solitary moments in the house were rare. In the kitchen, he started a pot of coffee and leaned up against the counter while he waited for it to brew. He looked around his house at all the little details that spoke of Rae. The jokey poster of an anatomical heart on the wall next to the door, the salt and pepper shakers shaped like guitars, the mugs in the strainer with band names emblazoned on them. The house was shaped like her, like all the rooms had reformed around the ways she filled them. It was cozy and weird and full of books, covered in pictures, a bit disheveled, but always warm- and he knew that it was only so homey because she made it that way.

As the aroma of coffee filled the air, hazelnut he thinks, he pulled out a skillet and a packet of bacon. He set the bacon to frying and mixed up pancake batter. Dani loves pancakes, but they’re always in a rush in the morning and he hardly ever makes them. He made them once in funny shapes with a squirt bottle, and ever since then, the kids have expected elaborate masterpieces of pancake. But today he’ll stick with circles. Maybe a smiley face.

Rae shuffled into the kitchen, her nose lifted in the air and a smile on her face. She was wearing her dressing gown, a fluffy thing with big purple flowers that Reggie had picked out for her on mother’s day. He thought about that horrible striped robe she had when they were kids, her toothpaste robe, and he grinned widely as she came to stand behind him with her chin on his shoulder and an arm around his waist.

“Mmmmm, smells good.” She murmured into the back of his neck.

“Careful of the bacon grease.” He replied, and turned around to kiss her properly. She smiled and poured a cup of coffee, leaned up against the counter and blinked owlishly at him. He pulled the first batch of bacon off and offered her a piece, and she bit into it and moved to sit at the kitchen table.

“Kids not up yet?” She asked, and they both listened to the crackling of the bacon in the morning air.

“Nope. “

“Hmmm. Hey…” He turned to look at her across the tiny kitchen. The first rays of the morning were piercing through the cloudbank and a beam of light illuminated her face and her messy morning hair. He gave her a soft smile and waited for her to speak. “Last night… Finn, it was really nice. I’ve missed that. I’ve missed us.”

“Me too.” He lowered his gaze. He had been missing them too, it was just buried under world-weariness and selfish pride. “I want to get us back, Rae. I want us to be the way we used to.”

He searched her face, finding her teary eyed but smiling. He crossed the kitchen in two long strides and knelt in front of her, spatula still clutched in his hand.

“I’m so sorry, Rae-Rae. I don’t know what happened. I just lost us. I stopped trying to make you happy.” He brushed the tears from her skin, cupped her cheek as she leaned into his touch. “I’m gonna do better, Rae. I love you. I want this, I want us. I’m gonna do better.”

 

“Oh Finn…” She slid out of the chair to kneel with him, wrapping her arms around his neck. He buried himself in her embrace, holding her tighter than usual, but still not tight enough. “I’ll do better, too. I can try harder. I just forgot, after all that stuff with Reggie. I forgot all the stuff you have to do when you really love somebody. I forgot that I should tell you every day, that it’s just as important to show you I love you as it is for me to show the kids. I’m so sorry, honey. I love you so much. I’m sorry I haven’t been showing you.”

Finn felt the tears dampening his cheeks, but only absently, as he was lost in a surge of love for her that made his breath catch and his chest ache. He was overwhelmed with relief when he felt it, felt that painful longing for her that he’d been going without for so long. It had been his constant companion for years, that half melancholy craving for her, but he’d lost it somewhere along the line without really noticing. And when he had realized it was gone, he’d forgotten exactly what it had felt like before.

He pulled back slightly to press his mouth to hers, one hand tangling in her hair, the other spreading a path of bacon grease across her back with the spatula. The kiss was frenetic and messy and rejuvenating. They kissed like they were seventeen again and too gone on each other to notice anything around them. And as his lips moved against hers, as her arms gripped him, he felt like himself again, felt like the best parts of the boy he was and the man he’d become. He knew, just then, that they could get it back. That they could love each other just the way they used to.

They stayed locked together on the floor for a long time, caught in a kiss that was damp with tears and bright with happy laughter. It wasn’t until the smoke alarm went off that they noticed the bacon burning in the skillet, and Finn barked a laugh and an expletive as he jumped up to turn the stove off. He pulled the pan off the stove and waved his spatula frantically in the trail of smoke to dispel it, and Rae laughed hysterically as he only managed to fill the room with more smoke. She flung the door open, grabbing a tea towel and waving it through the air to try and push the smoke outside. In a burst of inspiration, Finn chucked the skillet out through the backdoor, where it landed in the yard with a hiss as it met the thin layer of snow on the ground.

The children, woken by the trill of the smoke alarm and the acrid smell of burned bacon, discovered their parents doubled over with laughter in the open door.

“Bacon, anyone?” Finn grinned, gesturing wildly towards the backyard. “It’s only a little overdone.”

 

 

 

 

 

That afternoon, Finn left his leftovers in the office fridge and drove a few blocks down to HMV. He bought a remix album of a favorite band of theirs, and dashed home to leave it on the kitchen table for Rae with a note.

_Rae,_

_I haven’t forgotten your favorite kind of Roses._

_Love forever,_

_Finn_

 

When he got home that evening, he could hear her singing in the kitchen as she made dinner.


End file.
